Do you ever catch yourself day dreaming? Not just about finding the love of your life, or winning the lottery, or the day that you’ll be done paying all your student loans. But daydreaming about the person you want to become? It’s like this sensation of love for yourself kind of takes over as you envision exactly who you see yourself as in the future and you feel excited about becoming her. Does anyone else daydream like me?
A little over a year ago, I found myself daydreaming. Except—-I was also feeling restless. I was finding success at work, traveling to new places and I was making plans for my future, yet I felt such a restlessness and disconnect between the woman I had envisioned and where I was in the present moment.
I try to be reflective and check in with myself: “Am I growing into my higher self? Am I working on my flaws and shortcomings?” Yet, in the midst of a restless daydream, I realized I had hit a plateau in my personal growth and I had to be completely honest with myself. In order to continue growing, I needed to deal with events from my past, reach into the dark corners I have shied away from and set myself free.
I was going to need help.
It was time to go back to counseling.
So I made my intentions be known to God, my family, the Universe and myself.
I knew this was not going to be an easy road.
For a year I struggled with, where do I begin? My junior year in college, an unhealthy relationship came to an end and I was sent spiraling. I knew I needed help, so I went online and made an appointment with the university counseling services. Part of our tuition and fees went towards the counseling services and therefore made it free to students to get counseling…easy. But no longer in school, where do I look? How do I know if my insurance will cover it? How much is the co-pay? How do I know if it’s a reputable place? Should Google reviews play a role in my decision?I was completely lost and frustrated.
I know there is a stigma when it comes to mental health and even more so in communities of color. Thankfully, I have never felt ashamed or embarrassed about counseling and I have been blessed with a family who has always been supportive of my decisions. I believe it takes strength to admit you need help and it takes courage to go and get the help. So—I did.
One day my sister sent me a text that was exactly what I was looking for. She sent me the following web link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us. She told me that women at her gym were talking about this website and that this was how they found what they were looking for. So I put in my zip code and looked at several counselor profiles. Each profile talks about what they specialize in, what they believe in, years counseling and all the types of insurance they accept (BINGO!). I had narrowed it down to two counselors that I felt drawn to. Then with a deep breath, tears in my eyes, shaky hands and an open heart, I called and made my first appointment.
There are times where I leave and my eyes are puffy from all the tears I’ve shed. There are times where I feel the weight of the world being lifted, and times where I am emotionally drained. But each time I feel hope and am proud of myself for taking a step forward in my self-care.
One of the many things I have learned is to advocate for myself, even to my counselor.
If after a couple sessions I don’t feel connected…I leave. I learned group counseling is not for me, it stresses me out and I am shy. Therefore, when my current counselor brought it up, I told her I wasn’t interested.
As women, we have to make this our practice. You owe it to yourself to find the right counselor and discover the best counseling setting that is right for you.
Do you hold tension or stress in your back or shoulders? Do you clench your jaw during the day or when you sleep? Do you break out in a sweat with a racing heart when you’re triggered by certain images, smells or sounds? I’ve learned that our bodies remember certain events over time only to release them in ways we don’t even realize. So I’ve learned breathing and stretching techniques to assist in those times. Counseling doesn’t just have to be the traditional sit and talk! You can get out of it exactly what you need.
Additionally, please don’t think that counseling is just for people who have gone through traumatic events, nor should you tell yourself I haven’t gone through anything significant enough, so my problems are too small for counseling—because that’s just not true.
If you’ve been blessed and recognize your blessings, but you still feel sad, it’s okay to seek counseling. If you’ve been through something traumatic, past or present, it’s okay to seek counseling. If you are stressed and can not sleep at night, it’s okay to seek counseling. There are many reasons to seek help—it won’t always be trauma-related.
Furthermore, if you see any of these signs in a loved one, I encourage you to have an open dialogue with them, share the link above, and share this blog post. Be sure to tell them they are strong and courageous, even when they don’t see it or feel it in themselves.
Now, I have no set deadline when my counseling sessions will end, but I am hopeful. And while I must admit this is a sometimes painful and bumpy journey, this is my beautiful journey towards my daydream becoming reality.
Jacqueline Ray
Jacqueline Ray is an accomplished Texas A & M alumni who serves the Northeast ISD community as lead math teacher for her 7th grade team. When Jacqueline is not prepping curriculum and leading her fellow educators, she finds the most joy in spending time with her dear family & friends in San Antonio, traveling the world, and crafting an array of fun things for various occasions!
Yes Ms. Ray! 👏🏽
Your words ring truth and will open windows and doors that others may have shut! Proud of you!